Mujer Nocturna
This happened to be one of those rare moments where I felt a little more confident in presenting myself as a photographer…a photographer? an artist?…a person who connects with creativity...creating?…why is it so difficult for me to go up to this woman…who I greatly respect and simply ask if I can photograph her?… I used to do this all the time…but now…two years out of practice, I finally get the sense that…maybe I can come back to this…something I always felt so deeply about…but why am I so afraid all of a sudden?…as if I am lying to myself…oh fuck it, I’m just going to do it.
She is Rafaela Carrasco. I had the honor to work with one of Spain’s most prominent flamenco dancers. She carried such a compelling yet serene presence…Influential in every imaginable way, a true creative legend.
On the day of the shoot, my partner and I arrived at her dance studio. Immediately as I walked in, I was pulled in by the pleasant aromas of incense, lulled by the sweet calming music, and greeted to have some heartwarming tea. It was comforting to know how much she valued a gracious open space as much as I do.
While she was in hair and makeup, I went off to explore the space and settle in…my hands then began to sweat, my chest tightened, and my breathing became shallow…I knew this was going to happen but hoped it wouldn’t…I look at my partner, and he already knew at first glance that something was up with me…I tried to breathe deeply and remind myself…I know how to do this and it’ll be ok no matter how it turns out, you are ok…the deadly pair of my self-doubt and social anxiety wasn’t doing me any justice…but I knew I had to push through…I stood up, prepared my camera and we began the shoot.
During the shoot, I was slowly able to channel back into the person who I once knew, it was welcoming yet terrifying…it was so easy for me to switch my state of mind from hey this is going pretty great, to oh shit what am I doing and why am I here…what if they realize I'm not who they think I am…again the anxiety built up, my hands sweated profusely where it became difficult to crank the camera for the next shot. I was trying so hard to disguise my mental battle to present a professional confident photographer…and that’s when it hit me…I really had to be there for myself. I need to love myself right now, I am surrounded by people who want me to succeed and genuinely care for me.
I smile at her and see how happy she is enjoying the shoot, I can hear the makeup artist and the production manager behind us thrilled with her poses, and I look at my partner and feel immense joy and an overflow of gratitude to have him beside me.
It was an incredibly rewarding and rejuvenating moment that my heart needed.
More on Rafaela Carrasco https://rafaelacarrasco.com/